You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
