An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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