just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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