They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
