So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
