i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
