The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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