Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
