I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
