i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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