i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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