I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
