the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
