a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
