I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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