Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
