ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
