I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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