What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
