Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
