Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
