Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
