You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
