i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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