I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
