Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
