Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
operation have a gay friend backfired
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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