That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
