12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
