i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
