Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
