Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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