Don't make out with my wife yet
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize