so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
