I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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