I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize