I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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