i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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