peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
