I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
