Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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