just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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