i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
