dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Vodka?
Forever.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm bleeding and have questions
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
