She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
