I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize