I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
