He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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