Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
zippers are such a cool invention
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize