I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
