Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
