You're my little dorito
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
