I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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