I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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