checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am naked and annoyed.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I love you.
Bad choice
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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