Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
