I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
