I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
