We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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