Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
